Monday, December 12, 2005
Infinite worries
Trying to get a good night's sleep is a difficult task for me. It is not insomnia. It is just the amount of thoughts that run through my head. Mum says it is a sickness. I think stress comes to easy for me until it messes up my biological system.I thought of so many things, but I managed to shove it all aside by chanting part of the heart sutra. After 40 minutes of trying, I finally went to bed.
I thought of my studies. My first exam today. If I have studied enough or not. I thought of the kind of questions that would be asked.
I thought of my long delayed period. I thought of what the doctor said about it. Will it eventually lead to cancer? I have a mild syndromme. What the hell is wrong with me.
I thought of motherhood for me. Maybe I won't even achieve that. Perhaps I won't be able to conceive in the future.
I thought of my parents. I miss Mum and Dad in many ways. The grown-up side of me has finally shown, and I wonder how things will be now with my parents. Acceptance. Freedom. Responsibility. Respect. Superstitions. Religion. I have been away from home for so long, sometimes I am afraid that my own judgements will hurt my parents. I love them so much, yet I love myself too.
I thought of my bratty sister. I miss her though. I thought of how I cried when I watched the home videos that Dad took last Chinese New Year. I don't know why I cried. And my tears stained my class notes.
I thought of my love life. It has been up and down for me these past few years. Somehow I managed to stand up and smile again after each failure. Then again, it never seems to end for me. I fall back into it over and over again. It is like a curse for me. Friends complain that I have too many opportunities with guys. Sometimes I feel like I rather have a few because too much of it confuses my life. I was never sad with the guys I dated. In different ways, they treated me well. It had to end like that because of our own expectations in life.
I thought of friends. Those who are around me. My coursemates. My housemates. So many good times and many more to come. We get annoyed at each other some times as everyone has their own faults. It is human nature. I have been annoyed with them many times now. I thought of those, and reflected upon them for a while.
I thought of money. I spent alot this month. I should value it more. And try not to buy unnecessary items.
I thought of recent events. Stuff that I did. Was it bad? Was it against my will? Was it sinful?
You see, these are the main thoughts that run through my head all the time (even when I am trying to sleep). And this doesn't include the tiny tiny details!
I am pretty sure it is somewhat an illness. Inherited it from my Dad.
Sigh. Stress. Speaking of that, why am I wasting time typing all this when I have an exam to write soon?
