Sunday, April 23, 2006
It's enough
It's been a long week ... of exams. The worse of exams has been settled for. Now, I have two more left. Open book - Statistics. Non-cumulative - Mass Transfer.I feel like I am being bogged down by life itself. Exams are just one tiny part of it. I have yet to conclude whether I am sensitive, over-thinking, or just plain childish. But when I actually think about everything that has happened, I start to feel upset.
Never mind about the impending future that I have to consider. I have to admit that there's a fear inside me which is accumulating each day. A fear of stepping into the real world. The actual place where dog eats dog. A world awaiting to gobble you up if you don't pay attention to it.
But what has been more troubling is the fact that friends aren't what they seem at all. People change. Everyone knows that. It is there in our minds but our hearts can't seem to accept it. I cannot comprehend what I am going through. Now, my happiness is like the weather. Unpredictable. It is not mine anymore. I don't know of it anymore; I don't even know if I am happy for real. But I know, I am disapointed for sure.
How can one describe a friendship which still exists but is terribly forgotten by one heart. How can one understand the meaning of this ungrateful loss? A scar burried so deep within, it tries to heal itself but each time, each day ... a cut slices through the wound again. Religion teaches us to forgive. But why is it so difficult for me to let it go? Or is this just another one of those extremely overwhelming female traits?
Never mind if I am actually female or not. I'm starting to digress. I feel like I am giving up in this current phase of life. I feel like forgetting everyone that I know and just start anew somewhere else. I think this would be healthier for me. Enough is enough. I may seem very negative here, but I think now I'm actually starting to think positive for once. Why should I care about how others feel when no one does for me? Why should I even continue caring? Perhaps, I may seem selfish as well to think of it this way. After all, true friends should give unconditionally and not ask for something in return. What is true anymore. If there is such true friendship, I wouldn't even start counting how many times the disappointment occured.
I should learn to not let little nice emotions get in the way anymore. I don't care if people are going to think I'm weird, or fierce, or unfriendly... it's high time I stop being used.
